1. I don't think your story needs any more detail. You did a great job of describing what kind of guy he was and painted a clear picture.
2. The lead was great it got me involved in the story right away. And another source you could use would be someone an imediate family member.
3. I don't feel that you need to add anything to the first 450 words you painted a great picture of what is happening.
4. In the next 300 words you could talk about how his death has affected his friends and family. that is the only other thing that i would be interested in reading and would go good with your story.
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